(Ashen’s Theme) (Vomit Noise) Ah toast, the simplest of meals. Take a slice of bread heat it up in a grill or stick it in a toaster And there you are, there’s your toast. Put some butter on it, and eat it. Or put various other things on top, Like baked beans, is a popular one. A fried egg! Chewbaca’s clackers! Whatever you fancy, stick it on your toast, and there you are A nice, easy meal. Put something nice with it, it’s not bad at all. Or, alternatively, you could buy a small tin of crap like this, and smear it on, and wonder what the hell you’re doing with your life. Yes – Burger toast Delicious topping for your toast! Wanna put some actual food in it, I don’t know. Umm, well yes. I’ve been warned about these, variously, over a long period of time and I’ve finally managed to get hold of some, and they were provided by a friend of the channel Thank you very much for that Beefburger flavour savoury spread Ingredients – water, beef, pork fat, corn starch, pork rind, beef fat, all your fats, they’re all in here! tomato puree, onion powder, sugar, beef stock, soya vegetable protein, salt, mustard Colour E150a, colour fans Paprika, black pepper, oregano, and flavour enhancer. mm mm mm Fill ’em up. Yep. Fill up your bins with this stuff Seriously, I don’t really get, kind of, the point of this It seems like, em, toast is quite an easy thing to put foods with, do you really need something specific that sounds like a horrible paste? Anyway, serving suggestion: go on then: Create a delicious burger snack in minutes It won’t actually be burger, will it, it’ll just be paste on toast. Spread on hot toast ok. Add a slice of cheese Grill for 2 minutes, or until cheese melts, in case you’ve got a grill that takes 9 hours to make cheese melt Enjoy! This man, whose head has exploded. Is it Adam Bomb, from the old Garbage Pail kids things, who knows. Well, no, I’m not doing that, because I feel the cheese will take away from the burgerness somewhat. We’re going to go in straight I am literally just going to take the top off and spread it on some hot toast, which I have here. So we’d better get on with it while the toast’s still hot. Okay, it comes with it’s own ring-pull, that’s always good. Ooh, that’s noticeably worse than I was expecting, actually It looks like pureed something horrible It smells mmm I would have said that it smells of, sort of, old meat and sweat. So there’s a nice image for you Mmm, fantastic. I like the way it’s kept the shape of the top of the lid In the gooey, jelliness of it. eueuhhh I’m slightly worried about this Oh well. Let’s get on with it Here is a plate with toast I prepared earlier, from a toaster. Right, If you’re wondering why there’s two slices, it’s because we’ve got another one next. You’ve probably guessed that from the title of the video. Right. Let’s, uh, spread some on. How thickly do you put it on? I don’t know. I’m going to- Oh God It’s all sort of, slightly lumpy, and gooey It’s far more, euughh, It’s got a real sort of jelly texture to it And the consistency is not what I expected at all. Oh, god. Right. I’m going to put a fair bit on one end and then have a bite Let’s move it towards this side. What’s it smell of now? Mmm. It smells exactly the same. It kind of smells, actually like emm ooh, there’s something hanging off it That’s a bit worrying. Is that from the bread? Or from the- Right. I’m gonna ignore that. Stripe it from your memories. Erm, yeah, it’s kind of uhh, yeah I wasn’t expecting it to be this jelly-related It smells a bit like if you get a cheap microwave spaghetti bolognese. What it smells like before you cook it. Anyway. Let’s see what it’s like. mmm What? Okay, the good news is, it isn’t anywhere near as bad as I was expecting. Bad news is, it’s still not great. It’s got a real, sort of, fatty tinge to it. Well, there’s so much fat in it, i suppose is what does that. Erm Slightly sort of beefy, meaty flavour. Absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, like burger. Not even a hint. It does taste more, like some kind of, erm, Yeah, spaghetti bolognese style meat stuff that you would get in a very cheap microwaveable meal. That is almost exactly what it tastes like. Hmm. Not greatly impressed. Now We must take a bit and see what it’s like pure This is where the policeman from the drug-squad rubs it over their teeth. Ooh. It was better slightly warmer. Yeah. It is just a horrible, fatty, mess. With hooves and eyelids drained into it in some manner, I imagine. Oh, dear. Yep, that ain’t good at all. Much better on the toast though. But even then, it’s not something you’d really want to eat, it’s not like disgusting, it’s not going to make you ill or anything. It’ll just make you wish you were eating something else. So let’s eat something else! Pizza toast Effectively, pizza is a form of cheese on toast, just a massively advanced one. This would make more sense, you would think. What are the ingredients this time around? Water, tomato puree, beef, mechanically separated chicken, corn starch, pork fat Great, this has got pork, chicken, and beef on it. I’m going to guess this is what we call a meat feast pizza. Right, let’s get straight into it then. Err. Oh god. The release of the gas as you open these things is always a dark time. Right. Come on. Here we go. Ooh. It’s very similar, but redder. Aaaand, how does it smell? ooh. Ooh. Errh. Umm. Basically, similar to the last one, but more tomatoey. Exactly- again, exactly as you would expect, I suppose. Alright, let’s- ooh. Different sort of texture, this time. It’s still very jelly-ey, but slightly less thick. It’s not holding together quite as much. It’s spreading easier, as a result, you will notice. mmm. mm mm mmm Ooh, yeah, get that on there. That’s the good stuff. What’s with tea, Mum? Would you like some toast that’s been ruined? Hooray! You’re the best, Mum! Right. I’m not going to put too much on. Yeah, it looks like It looks like the dog’s done a whoopsie on the bread, frankly. Right, let’s have a- hmm Euugh I don’t know what that’s supposed to be at all. I mean really, that’s- I don’t know, it’s sort of slightly. There’s no sort of hint of meat to it I’d have said that tastes more like Kind of, slightly spicy tomato puree. That’s all I can say about it. There doesn’t really seem to be any sort of hint of other ingredients, particularly. Just got that weird consistency to it. Another bite in case I’ve missed something. No I’ve missed absolutely nothing. I’m not impressed. Right. Euugh. ooh. ooh. Do not want. aaah. Yeah. It does just taste like slightly spicy tomato puree. Great. Thanks guys. So, in conclusion, If you want to make some toast, stick something nice on, it, seriously. Fry an egg, put some paprika on it, that’s quite nice. Don’t buy crap out of a can and then smear it on your toast, cuz it ain’t gonna be good. I feel like we knew that before this video started. But there we are. It’s nice to have things confirmed. Hello Just a quick reminder that we’ve got coming up next Sunday The ninth of July, I believe? Eli: That’s right, it’s the ninth of July. Stuart: (gasps) The ninth of July at 1 o’clock in that there London town, we’re doing our own west end show. do do do do do dooo That’s the west end show noise. Where we will be doing live comedies and stuff There is me, Stuart Ashen, who will be talking about geeky gubbins and using a projector and stuff. There will be, Beck Hill Beck: Hi. I’ll be doing some drugs, and some what I call, “Paper Puppetry” Live Stuart: I don’t know what that is, but I am interested in it. And Eli is going to be there too. Eli: I will be there. Stuart: Will you be doing anything specific? Eli: Nope. Kind of walking about, maybe saying some stuff, All the good stuff, you know. Stuart: That’s great. And also, Ash Frith will be there But he’s not here today, so he will be represented by this piece of paper. Hello guys, I’m Ash Frith. I’m going to be doing really funny stuff. Yeah! That’s what happens when you don’t come for the advertisement, Ash. Beck: That’s basically my paper puppetry. Eli: Yeah Stuart: Oh. You’ve spoiled it now! Hello! Just a quick reminder that we have coming up, Corpsing! Beck:I just realized that as you were looking at the camera I was looking at this bit, Looks like I’m looking at your crotch. That’s what most of the show is gonna be about. So, err Subscribe for more.