Ari Shaffir – Chinese S**t Squat Toilet – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

Ari Shaffir – Chinese S**t Squat Toilet – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

– And I open it up,
and the fucking smell
that comes out of 75 different
people’s shit rags… It’s kind of like,
a cross between, like, when Ghostbusters cross streams,
and, uh, and in Indiana Jones when they open up
the Ark of the Covenant and all the Germans
are like, “Augh!”[dark electronic music][choking][explosion] [cheers and applause] Welcome to
“This Is Not Happening”! I’m your host, Ari Shaffir! Tonight all the stories
are about disasters.Please welcome this next comic,the host of the “Punch Drunk
Sports” podcast,
Mr. Ari Shaffir, everybody!Okay, this is a quick story
about how I understood the lyrics to a song
for the first time. Um, I–last year
I went to China. They told me two things–
I went for comedy–so they told me two things before I went.
They gave me two rules. First rule, they said, no
bringing drugs in of any kind, because, they said,
it’s punishable by death. Yeah, and I was like, “fuck.” How much weed can I bring? And they were like, “Ari!
None!” And I was like, “Counter offer.
Some!” And they were like,
“Don’t do it!” I’m like, “I’m bringing
pot cookies on the plane, you can’t stop me.” And I did. And then we landed in Shanghai,
and I had like two pot cookies left over so I just downed them
and had a great first eight hours in Shanghai. It was wonderful. Here’s what they don’t tell you:
it’s not punishable by death. To traffic drugs
is punishable by death. But if they just catch you
with them there, it’s very illegal. It’s still very illegal. They’ll kick you out
of the country. That’s what they’ll do. But I thought about it,
and it turns out that I don’t live in China, so… Let’s do it. So fun–three weeks in China
for comedy. Every once in a while, every once in a while,
comedy really pays off. All you got to do is
live in poverty for nine years. And then you get your
free trip to China. The cool thing is
is it’s so illegal, marijuana and all drugs there,
especially weed. Once you do find weed there–
and I did find weed ’cause I’m a pothead
and that’s what potheads do. We find weed. When you do find weed,
the cops in China do not know
what marijuana smells like. Yeah, it’s just not around. So this comedian in Beijing
showed me. He goes, “Dude, you can smoke
pot right in front of them.” And he blew pot smoke
right at a cop. I’m like,
“Are you out of your mind?” He goes, “He’s just thinks you’re smoking
tobacco for poor people.” And he’s never smelled
that smell before. The only way they can catch you,
literally, the only way they can catch you is if you learn
the mandarin words for “Officer,
we’re smoking marijuana.” And my advice is
just don’t learn those words. They’re not gonna help you. The other rule they gave me
is they said, um, they said, “No making fun of
the Chinese government.” No making any jokes about
Chinese government. And I was like, “I don’t have any jokes about
Chinese government.” Fucking, get over yourself,
Chinese government. Nobody’s talking about you. I’ve done comedy in Los Angeles,
New York, London, and Toronto, and I’ve never heard a single
comedian do any jokes about Chinese government. ‘Cause it’s way too
self-absorbed. Here was a cool thing about
China–well, everything. Here was the terrible thing,
and about all of Asia, it’s the toilet situation. Yeah, so you know the seats
that go up and down for men or women,
like that seat? So they don’t have that seat. And then, they also, they don’t
have the whole toilet. They don’t have any of it. They don’t have toilets. They don’t believe in it
or something. They just got holes
in the ground. I’m–literally–it’s like
a regular bathroom floor, with tiles and everything, and
then where the toilet should be is just this hole. And you’re supposed to
go over it like a college basketball coach and you’re just
supposed to squat. You’re just supposed to squat and shit into this hole. And they don’t tell you at all. They don’t tell you
about any of it. They just expect you to know,
so–and by the way, in the hotels and stuff
they have regular toilets. It’s just in the rural parts. So I was having a good time,
went to the Great Wall of China. I went to–I went to visit
the Imperial Palace. That was cool.
Nope–wait. That’s Star Wars. “Imperial Palace,” yeah,
that’s for sure Star Wars, yeah. What is–uh,
the Forbidden City! That’s what it is. It’s where the emperor lived. And so I went there,
and I was walking around, having a good time, and then
I got this important phone call from my friend diarrhea. And, um, that’s when I really
started to hate China because of this
toilet situation! I run to the bathroom. I’m just–sprint
to find the bathroom. I burst open the door. I’m telling you right now,
when you open up a stall door, and there’s no toilet in there, your mind can’t even wrap its
head around what’s happening. It’s like some sort of
optical illusion. You know, it’s like,
“Which line is longer?” You’re like, “I don’t know.
Top one?” They’re like, “No, same size!” And you’re like, “Bullshit. Measure again.” Regular bathroom work–tiles
and then just fucking hole. It looks like a union guy
was coming to install a toilet and then he was like,
“Oh, lunchtime.” And then he just fucking left. And they forgot
to get back to it. I burst open the door
and I was like, “Wha–oh, this one
must be under repair.” ‘Cause there’s no toilet. That’s the one thing
you look for in a toilet, is the toilet! That’s 95% of the experience, is the actual toilet. And I went to the next one,
I was like, “This one–are they all
under repair? Am I just missing the sign?” And then I remembered like,
“Oh, they told me about these. These fucking
shit-squat toilets.” That’s what
you’re supposed to do. And I reali–
right then I was like, “You know what,
I’m not doing this.” I was born an American
and I’ll die an American. And Americans sit down
when we shit. That’s our thing. When they say,
“USA, number one.” They’re talking about
number two. We’re number one
in number two. And I was like,
“I’m out–I’m gone.” So I left, I walked out,
and I got like two steps away and then diarrhea was like,
“Of course, you’re doing it.” And I was like,
“Oh, yeah, diarrhea, I forgot about you.” It gives you a break sometimes,
diarrhea, you know? Diarrhea and the hiccups,
where you think they’re gone for a minute,
but then they ain’t gone. We’re like,
“I got to shit so bad! “I got to–what?
No. “Oh, I might be okay. “Never have I had to shit
so bad!” So I go back into this–
into this stall, I close the door. Side note, by the way:
There’s a trash can in there. And all these–don’t fucking
look in the trash can because, uh, they don’t flush
their toilet paper. They throw it away.
[audience groans] Yeah, and so they have
this trash can. You know the–the little
office trash cans that, like, spin?
The top spins. You know, where it goes like– and you can like hit it down
and it like… I always try to hit it just
enough so it pops back up and like go–
it’s like a ride at Six Flags where, you know… And I open it up,
and the fucking smell that comes out of 75 different
people’s shit rags… It’s kind of like,
a cross between, like, when Ghostbusters cross streams,
and, uh, and in Indiana Jones when they open up
the Ark of the Covenant and all the Germans
are like, “Augh!” That’s the smell
that comes out of this thing. So I go into this fucking stall,
and I close the door. And I’m looking at this hole. Here’s my first question: how far do you
take your pants down? I’ve done it, and I don’t know
what the answer is. I have no idea. My first thought was like,
“Take them down to your ankles.” ‘Cause that’s how
I’d normally do it. But then you can’t do that
because here’s the deal, I went down,
I took them down to my ankles, and then I, like, lined it up. And I’m like,
“Hold on a second.” Like, “My asshole “is directly above my pants. “How am I not gonna
shit into my pants? “Unless a heavy gust
of wind comes by, I’m for sure gonna
shit into my pants.” And by the way,
I thought about it and I realized that
shitting into your pants is actually a lot worse
than shitting in your pants. You’d think they’d be
the same thing, right? They’re not the same thing. Shitting into your pants
is a holocaust compared to shitting
in your pants. ‘Cause if you
shit in your pants– and let’s be honest,
a lot of us have done that, am I–am I not wrong? Like, I mean like
after ninth grade. It happens! Whatever, you’re drinking
and you sneeze. That’s not your fault.
That’s just destiny. That’s just destiny. But what do you do
when that happens? I know what I do. I go home. I go home ’cause I’m a grown man
and I have shit in my pants and I can’t be out
with other people. Just can’t; I can’t be out with
people with shit in my pants. I think about it, usually,
for a second, like, “How much shit is in there?”
you know. Like it goes through my head,
and then I realize it doesn’t matter,
it does not matter. There could be a shart
and it could be an unloading. Either way, I’m a grown-up
and I have shit in my pants and I can’t be out
with other people. No matter what I’m doing,
I could be in line at a movie, and I’ll be like, “Hey,
you guys, that’s so funny I– “Achoo!
Oh– I’ll see you guys later.” They’re like, “What?
Where are you going? You wanted to see the movie.” I’m like, “Yeah, I don’t
want to see it anymore. You tell me how it was.” And just fucking slowly… Just real slowly walk away. You don’t want to jostle at all,
you know what I mean? Just even steps. It’s just gonna be a little bit
warmer than it was before. [audience groans] Yeah, that’s if you
shit in your pants. But if you shit
your pants, well then, you got to not
have those pants on. And then you got to
work up the courage… The suicide-like courage, to put the dirty diaper
back on yourself. And you know it’s gonna
squoosh in there, like you’re making a mold
for a retainer. So anyway, it’s not down
to your ankles, I don’t think. And by the way, the one time
you want handicap bars to hold onto, they don’t have handicap bars. They make you be
fucking Zen about it. And you just got to fucking
use your core. So I don’t know
what the answer is. They don’t help you in any way,
by the way. There’s no diagram. There’s no fucking help
along the way. Everything has a diagram on it! A hand dryer in a bathroom, fucking, a big machine that’s
right next to the sink with one button
right in the middle. They’re like, “No,
you’ll never figure this out.” So they put
a little cartoon on it of somebody pushing the button
and then somebody else drying their hands, or taking the bacon. That’s a hand dryer.
Chinese shit-squat toilet? Nah, figure it out.
It’s intuitive. So I have no idea. I didn’t know what to do. So here’s what I did. I don’t know if this
is right or wrong, but I took my shirt off. And you know the hook that’s on
the door of the bathroom stalls? I just sort of hooked it
on there, and then I… [audience clapping] Lowered myself. And I just kind of
did it that way. Feels like I shit right now.
[laughs] Yeah, I don’t know if
that’s the right answer or not, but that’s what I did.
It seemed to work. It seemed to work, I mean,
I shit that way, so… I felt good too. When I did it, I was like,
“Fuck, yeah. I live like
a real Chinese person.” And I finished
and it feels great. When you shit like this,
by the way, it’s aw–it clears you out
from the neck all the way down. It’s like you’re a new man.
Have you ever done it? It feels wonderful.
I do it now when I get home. I’ll stand on my toilet seat, and then I’ll fucking squat over
just for old time’s sake. Like a POW who’s got to sleep
underneath the bed once in a while. And I did it, and I felt great.
I felt wonderful. I was very careful
not to let my balls touch the fu–surface
of the thing. ‘Cause I have–I have
very long balls, and they’ll occasionally touch
the water level of a toilet. And if there’s one place
I want my balls to never touch it’s the inside of a
Chinese shit-squat toilet. So anyway, I finish,
and I was like, “Yeah, I did it,”
and I got up to wipe, and that’s when I found out that they don’t offer toilet paper
in China. [audience groans] Yeah, they don’t believe in it. I think their theory is:
you’re the one shitting, you clean it up. And that’s not wrong!
It’s not even that it’s wrong! I’m just saying,
you should warn people. You should let people know. Like everyone who lands at the
airport with a round eye, they should give them
a pamphlet, and be like, “Here, you’re
gonna have some problems.” Just figure it out. I’m standing there; I’m like,
“What am I gonna to do?” Well anyway, here’s the deal. Five days before,
I landed in Shanghai, it’s the first place I got to,
I got there in the morning. Uh, I got to a club, the first
place I performed, this bar. And the club owner was like,
the bar owner was like, um, “Oh, you just got here today?” And I was like, “Yeah.”
And he goes, “Oh!” And he gave me
this packet of tissue paper. You know those little
travel Kleenex packs? And he gave me one of those,
and he goes, “Here.
You’ll need this.” It was like Gandalf had come up
to me or something, you know. And I was like,
“What will I need it for?” And he just goes, “You’ll know.” And–but he was right, though.
He was right. I was standing there
at that fucking toilet at the–at Forbidden City,
and I was like, “What am I gonna–
[frantic mumbling] I got the toilet paper!”
[indistinct yelling] I was so excited. Here’s the problem, though,
they don’t give you unlimited tissue paper
in one of those things. They give you six. They give you six pieces
of tissue paper. With six, you can’t
be an American anymore. You can’t be like,
“Ah, four at a time. “I love to waste. “Most resources in the world. USA, USA!” Not with six. With six you got to budget. You got to make every one count. You got to start like
way from the bottom and then go all the way up to about here. Fold. Go back, start from the bottom. Now we’re here. I kept doing that:
Start from the bottom, now here. Start from the bottom, now here. And that’s when I realized what
that Drake song was all about.[dark electronic music][cheers and applause]

100 thoughts on “Ari Shaffir – Chinese S**t Squat Toilet – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

  1. My aunt went to China last year, and I remember her talking about these, so I already knew what he was talking about, but it was still hilarious

  2. They don't have these in one part of Asia: the Philippines. I've been there several times and all toilets, even out in the sticks, are Western style.

  3. He failed to mention the urinal trough or the bathrooms that do NOT have dividers or stalls to separate the toilets (HELLO neighbor). Most of the toilets just have a small plastic office sized trash bin beside them with no covering. Also, Chinese plumbers do not believe/understand the need for a water trap (u-bend) that goes under every toilet. Instead toilets have straight pipe from the toilet to the septic tank, of sewer pipe. All the gasses come right up that portal from hell with no water trap to block them. He got the smell right!

  4. I can't be the only one who has never shit his pants in public since elementary school. Seem to remember once then. But yeah I've sharted at home but any other check has come up clean.

  5. As my penis is so short, I cannot empathise with the horror an American experiences when his penis touches the bottom of a squat toilet

  6. I experienced this type of toilet once myself, but in the rural mountain area of Turkey. And yes, it's just as horrible as this guy's experience was.
    Extra note: in German, it's called a plums klo, which means dropping toilet. Very accurate description.

  7. So I have a penooter, which means that when I have to pee, I pee standing up. Usually I wouldn’t have a problem with it, but there was this one time where I did. I too had diarrhea, but I also really had to pee, and I’ve challenged myself to never sit down on one of the two toilets in the house. Of course, I relied on my own ability to hold it in, as I have practiced for 17 years of my life. It turns out that when you’re peeing, you lose control over your anus muscles. It also turns out that letting loose the jaws of Oblivion is not a good idea when your fecal matter is mostly water. Long story short, I shit myself, and was not able to stop until I was out of urine. I had the sense of mind to pull my shorts down, but it made no difference when it was squirting out of my bum onto my legs and all over the floor. I had to clean it up.

  8. Those squat toilets are also common in the middle east with bidets next to them. It's more hygienic I reckon especially if it's a public toilet.

  9. Yeah I encountered one of those, only in France. I just took one look at that hole in the floor, and thought ok, I guess I don't need to take a shit.

  10. A whole three weeks in China, wow!! This is by far the least amusing episode of "This is not happening" i've ever had the displeasure to watch. Kept watching to see if this hack would actually say something funny. Not the first time he's shit himself.
    Ari cleans squat toilets with his tongue.

  11. squat toilets are superior and this is coming from a westerner. I shit squat on my toilet and have done this my entire life. its how ur supposed to shit

  12. We flush our toilet paper. Had a friend over for the first time and he threw his poo papers in the trash basket… makes sense. At the time though. Like wtffffff.

  13. I think I figured out how to shit naturally when I was probably 15. Any adult who continues to sit on a toilet seat like it's some sort of chair is a complete idiot.

  14. Went to a shitter by the river in Morocco, saw the hole, saw a 'brush', said "F that" and held till we got back to the ryad (hotel).

  15. Pooping in a squatted position is how we are actually designed to poop. Having said that I will choose a western toilet every time.

  16. A squat toilet costs a lot less money to install and maintain. Also a lot of Chinese people prefer squat vs sit toilet for public bathrooms because they dont want to touch others butt indirectly.

  17. ok,lol heres the thing,what people don't know about rural china is they have these pants,or shorts i'm not 100% sure exactly,but they're designed in such a way that there is a hole in the back that only opens up when you squat,if you aren't wearing these pants…..shitting in those toilets is a huge pain

  18. Funnily enough I had the opposite problem. I m so used to squat toilets college life was hard for like the first few week here in America.

  19. It has been my experience that Mexicans put their shit tickets in the trash can beside the toilet. Total dick move guys.

  20. Believe it or not squating is how humans are supposed to take a dump, it aligns your colon, makes going easier to its kinda funny but true

  21. This is 100% true and every tourist who comes to China should be made to watch this video (yes, all 16 minutes) at port of entry.

  22. Oh boy, it's even worse in India. Once you're done with the shit squat toilet, you get a small bucket of water and you gotta wash the shit off your ass with your own bare hand

  23. I'm Indian and we don't have toilets

    Just kidding, we have the squat toilets and the regulars ones. Even though i personally use the regular ones; i have been told that the squat ones are more effective and better for your health.

  24. I lived and taught in South Korea for a year.  It's even more fun to use one of those in the middle of winter when you've been drinking.

  25. in Vancouver we had an east asia ship on the ways , the crew used our toilets and iled the used paper in a huge mess in the washroom , DUH

  26. holy shit (heheh no pun intended) i’m in south korea & i went into a porta potty & there was a rectangle hole & i swear i also thought like this must be under repair & went somewhere else but this taught me wtf it actually is hahah who knew

  27. “How far do you take your pants off?”

    Idk but I feel like all the way and putting them like three feet away is probably safe.

  28. Turns out humans are meant to squat to defecate, not sit on a chair. It's not good for you. Look it up. And what is up with his Taxi Driver haircut?

  29. When he’s on a podcast he looks like a normal person. When he’s on stage doing comedy, he looks like Nosferatu’s nephew lol

  30. It's weird to see someone talking shit about squat toilet, cause when I first came to America, I really don't wanna use the public restrooms where you have to seat bareass on the seat. And America restrooms don't have the trash cans to put garbage in, like that's gonna need a lot of water per flush to get it down and is very easy to get stuck. Really good jokes though, just exactly the opposite of my experience

  31. For the uninitiated, you do NOT put shitty toilet paper into the bin. You spray your ass off with water, and then use the toilet tissue to DRY your clean ass.

  32. Not just in China, most Southeast Asian have those squat toilet. I agreed with him that they should give foreigners a pocket card how to use squat toilet.

  33. They have those toilets in the Middle East too. I once walked into a bathroom stall in an airport there and see a hole in the floor and didn't know what to do since I've never seen anything like it before.

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